...Monkeys Can't Type

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Author Coach, LLC is a full-service firm offering editorial services, coaching, and guidance to authors of all genres of fiction and nonfiction. A full description of our services can be found at the AuthorCoach.com website.

I’ve titled this blog “For What It’s Worth,” because publishing overall is a highly subjective business. Put three editors or agents in a room and ask a question and you may very well get three different answers. But over time certain consistencies do show themselves. Each coach working for Author Coach has a wealth of experience working inside publishing houses, generally in New York City, but sometimes Boston or elsewhere. What they bring to the table is their experience working in those publishing houses and what you, the author, get from them is a chance to work with them one-on-one and receive personalized guidance.

I’m always amazed when I attend writers’ conferences and find than an author has paid $50-$100 for the opportunity to have a five-, ten-, or fifteen-minute chat with an agent or editor. I understand this is how conferences pay the bills, but what can that agent or editor really tell you in such a short period of time? How much of your book can that editor or agent read sitting there with you? Very little, I assure you. But for not a lot more than the cost of attending a writers’ conference or taking a Writing 101 class at a community college, you can develop a relationship with a personal Author Coach who can take the time to give you substantive feedback. And if that’s something you want, then please use the information request form at AuthorCoach.com to contact us.

Okay, that’s the end of the sales pitch. Here’s some free advice:

There’s an old theory that if you put enough monkeys in front of typewriters, eventually one of them would write a Shakespearean play. However, after intensive research at the San Diego Zoo, I’ve found several issues with that theory:

Near as I can tell, monkeys can’t type;

Even if they could type, there’s nowhere to plug in the typewriter;

Even if you got them a manual typewriter, they don’t have any paper;

Even if you got them paper, it would soon be unreadable because of the banana bits;

Thus, it seems highly unlikely that monkeys could ever write Shakespearean plays.

People, on the other hand, may have a bit too much access to computers, typewriters, paper, printers, etc. Unfortunately, many of them also can’t type. And what surprises me is how many of them, obviously not knowing how to type (or at least type well), don’t take more advantage of the many tools that are available to them, primarily spell-checking and grammar-checking programs.

Allow me to give every aspiring author out there a bit of free advice: There are three things any author can do to make their book better:

1. Spell-check often and over and over before submitting your work. Open up Microsoft Word’s options when you have finished and reset the spelling checker and check it all again. Keep an actual dictionary handy and when you come across a word that trips you up, actually look it up and make sure you aren’t just guessing. Word’s spelling feature is great, but it’s not the human brain. You are smarter. So use that brain to double-check what Word tells you.

2. Eliminate the passive voice from your work. This is a crutch. Using it lets you write more quickly, but not better. Don’t say “Billy was running through the door when the phone rang.” Try “As Billy ran through the door, the phone rang.” Tiny difference, but more active and a better choice. Now repeat often.

3. Use a “vanilla” font and don’t try to desktop publish your book. I like Dark Courier, which you can download from the HP website for free. Just click here. Now there are many reasons to use such a font, but let me give you the simplest one: It lets agents and editors focus on your words, without a lot of distractions.

For more free advice, check back her often. For personalized Author Coaching, please visit AuthorCoach.com and contact us using the information request form.

Coach Andy